WOW Today Another Drop 197!!

OCTOBER 20, 2008- Okay so this a.m. 197 -65 lbs now. 31 post op. OCTOBER 18, 2008 - I did it, finally. 199 lbs. -63 total. Hard road but so glad I'm on it. slowly but surely I will get there. Today is Melina's baby shower so gonna be busy and so exhausted but that's ok too.. . That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

12 WEEKS POST OP - Slow Progress

OCTOBER 15, 2008 - 12 Weeks Post Op - It's been hard for sure, now standing at 201 for the past couple of weeks. Total pre and post surgery loss is 61 lbs. but my post op loss is going so slow it's really upsetting me. I try to eat more, I try to eat well but that's not always easy cause of finances. Sometimes I'm starved, other times i'm not in the mood. It's all a huge learning process, and it is very frustrating. Joined Curves trying to be good and get there at least 3 times a week, last week I did it. this week haven't been yet, going today even though i am forcing it, not really in the mood. Saturday is Melina's baby shower and that's another issue, lot of work planning a party. I just pray it all works out. I did have a piece of her b/d cake yesterday and my pouch didn't appreciate it so I won't be doing that again. I am pretty tired this week probably cause it's that time of month, praying that when I weigh next week I get at least the 2 lb drop to get me into onderland. I wanted to at least be down 30 lbs by 23rd which is my 3 month anniversary, so maybe I could feel like I'm doing like the average folks who lose 10 lbs a month. so we'll see how that goes. It would mean I need to lose 3 lbs by next week. I will surely pray for it. That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

SEPTEMBER 23, 2008 - 2 MONTH POST OP! WOOHOO FINALLY

That darn scale finally budged properly! Went to Curves today and I dropped 4 lbs since last week, what a relief I've been so stuck. and I ate PIZZA this week too, gave in and had some so I could up my calories and unshock my system, so it seems to have worked. thankfully cause the past 2 weeks I lost 1 lb. each week and it was bouncing up and down, very frustrating, but finally! that makes me feel so much more positive. I truly was starting to feel like the scale wasn't gonna cooperate and that I might be someone the surgery doesn't work for, crazy I know but it's been 2 months today and to just have lost 21 lbs. it was depressing, so now I lost 25 lbs. in 2 months still not great but it's something. So now I am going to do Curves and hopefully that will help keep my spirits up a little, I did the circuit just once by myself today cause it was my first time and I need to see how it was going to affect my surgery spots since it's the first "real" exercise I've done since surgery and because I am still so sick with this cough, cold and headache didn't want to overdo it. But I'll be there tomorrow!

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

SEPTEMBER 11, 2008 - 7 WEEKS POST OP

WOW, so it's been 7 weeks and it's been going slow for me. I've lost 20 lbs since surgery and that to me is a huge disappointment, I thought I would at least lose 30 lbs or more in the first month but that wasn't to be

and I'm sad about it!

I have been stuck for most of the time, last night I somehow finally lost 1 lb. so maybe the scale will start moving. Anywho, unbeknowst to me I still had the UTI, which turned out to be bladder infection and I finally got the correct stronger antibiotic last week, so maybe that will help my body cooperate. Could be that infection had me bloated and why I felt so yucky. Then to top it off last week I got a flu bug, i'm coughing, congested and then sick to my stomach. A whole lot of folks at work sick too. I had to miss a day of work this week and I was not liking that, I did not want to miss any time until Nov. when I have to be off for Mellie's baby coming but my stomach was sick so obviously I couldn't leave the house.

All in all I'm okay. Enjoying my grandson he's so beautiful 4 1/2 months old and a precious gift. he's so funny, he plays, rolls around, talks alot, smiles and is just so happy. 8 more weeks and granddaughter arrives. I'm gonna have my hands full with 2 grandbabies in diapers. I tell you Travis is a handful, he's so active, it's exhausting. But he's fun and I miss him when he doesn't come to visit me in my room.

It's so weird how sometimes I actually have to remember I had surgery, I actually forget! One day this week I forgot and I ate a piece of toast so fast it was very painful. just got back from lunch and of course had to make myself stop eating to avoid major pain. I'm still training myself not to eat with my eyes, to listen to my pouch. which is the entire point of the surgery to have a smaller stomach that tells you to stop stuffing your face, unfortunately I still have days when I think I'm right and not my pouch and I take one more bite and then I'm in trouble. have to quit doing that, but I've been alot better than I was when I first had surgery. takes time but I'll get it. Now if my foot would stop hurting I could get to some exercises. I still walk as much as I can but it hurts my foot i have to get back to podiatrist to see what else can be done, barring surgery, don't want to do any of that for a long time.

So that's about it for now, i'm still learning how to work with my new pouch, sometimes not even remembering I had the surgery cause it seems like a dream now. Still going on with my life, trudging along.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

AUGUST 25, 2008 - ONE GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

So it's almost 5 weeks since surgery and I've had some rough days but for the most part I'm doing okay. I had put 1 of the goals on my Obesity Help.com blog that I wanted to lose 50 lbs. well as of this a.m. I have lost 51 lbs. 34 pre op and 17 post op. So I am closer to goal than I could imagine. My vacation was great, my sister Jean is always good to me and showed me some fun in the sun and at a Yankee game. it was awesome. Today I am back to work after 5 weeks off, man it's tough I am pretty tired. my energy ran out about 12 and i'm about to fall asleep. I feel pretty good, everyone at work was very welcoming and complimentary and made it easy for me to come back. it's been a long day but it's almost over. I can't wait for it to be done so I can go home and throw myself in bed. not even hungry today I had: turkey, cheese, fruit, propel water and two chicken wings (no drummette) I'm not hungry but I will be soon. gonna eat a little something else before I leave here so I won't be starved by the time I go home. I must say it hasn't been easy, it's actually harder than I imagined. Of course going from size 22/24 to size 16 is awesome but it's alot of hard work. it's hard not to eat what you want, it's hard to sit and watch others eat what you want. it's hard to control your mouth and not overeat because the pain afterwards is unreal. BUT it's great to feel good, walk up stairs without a problem, which I did yesterday! feel good about how I feel, I still need to lose about 60 lbs. to be down good but every morning the scale is moving now 1 to 2 lbs. a day so I will get there eventually. Now i'm about to search for a gym. i need to do something for me. if not, i'll join curves. i need something.

HERES A PIC OF ME AND MY SISTERS ON FRIDAY 8/15!

well off to the races, i will be leaving soon. so glad i made the entire day I didn't expect to.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

AUGUST 11, 2008 - IN NEW YORK!

Hi there, well I'm in New York now, it's been 3 days. I am now 19 days out from surgery. I arrived in New York on Friday morning, with no sleep all night on the plane. got to my sister's hung out for awhile and then we headed to upstate New York to Ivonne's marriage ceremony (2 hour ride). It went beautifully (see pics) but then we went to dinner at a seafood restaurant and I lost my mind and forgot that I am a gastric bypass patient and I cannot be eating with my eyes anymore. I started with eating plain shrimp (5) no problem but I didn't stop there, I had 2 small slices of bread and butter and then I ordered an entree of salmon, baked potato and veggies. I ate half of the salmon, within minutes I felt about to die. I got hot and clammy and thought I was gonna be sick I didn't get sick but the entire ride home I felt all the food sitting in my pouch. It didn't help that it took 3 hours to get home cause of the horrendous traffic and then a rain storm to boot. By the time we got home my stomach had settled and I felt a little better but I was exhausted, had a headache and just felt drained. Hit the sack woke up a better person :)

Saturday we spent the day by the pool with Yvette and it was very cool. I ate better that day trying to be careful. Sunday I spent the day hanging out in the house and then outside by pool with Jean for awhile. Jason had his friends over and then Jean had a friend over and I had a nice time. I felt okay, was careful not to overeat!

Today we're doing the beach, it's beautiful outside after a horrendous storm last night again! So I am going to brave the sun and try to get some color on this whiteness.

I think the hardest part of this journey is getting used to eating to fit my pouch not my eyes, it tastes good and I like it and I have to remember to stop before I get sick. I haven't lost anymore weight and that concerns me it's almost 3 weeks and I've only lost 10 lbs. and it's starting to bother me. I am eating more so my body shouldn't be thinking I'm starving, I walk and try to stay mobile, I haven't done any real exercise cause I still hurt especially when I make too quickly. I will be doing alot more moving and walking in the next 2 weeks so will see if that does anything. I haven't weighed myself today to see if anything happened. I don't care how much it moves, 1 lb. would be cool I just want the darn scale to move!!!!

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

AUGUST 6, 2008 - 2 WEEKS POST OP

Well today I am 2 weeks post op. I'm still at -10 lbs since surgery. Tomorrow is my post op appt. so we'll see what happens at the appt. then tomorrow nite I leave for NY. I've been feeling pretty good, some pain yesterday and today at my main incision site but not too bad it just hurts more when i'm walking around and I have to kind of hold the area so it won't pull down and hurt me. I am packed and ready to go on my trip. Can't wait to just sit by the pool. I got a swimsuit this week and I was happy I could get it a size 16, it fit good, not counting my chunky legs but oh well nothing I can do about them right now. Hopefully soon that will go away too :) I still have some swelling but not too bad considering it's only 2 weeks out. Tomorrow at my appt. the surgeon should change my diet to include some more good stuff. So I'm 2 weeks out, it hasn't been too bad, it's more getting used to portions and knowing when my pouch is full and I should stop eating. All in all so far so good. Let's see how it goes when I'm traveling and when I return to work.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 31, 2008 - 8 DAYS POST OP

So it's finally 8 days post op. I weighed myself yesterday and even with the swelling and having my cycle I lost 10 pounds this week!! I been actually feeling pretty good I can't really complain. a little ooh's and ouches but that is expected after all I had major surgery. yesterday I went out for the first time and I started feeling clammy and not good so I came back home. Turns out that I may not be having enough calories, cause I asked the group and alot of them said I need to try and eat some more. I actually got to sleep last night for 5 hours straight and then for about another 1 1/2 hours so I felt good today. Did alot of organizing and arranging stuff for my room, did my laundry and even walked Suzie. I did pretty good. I ate cottage cheese w/jam 3 times, soup 2 times, jello 2 times, a little protein shake cause it tasted awful, then I got a little bit of that yucky feeling again cause I needed food, so I had Josh buy me some string cheese I had 2 of those 1 with some soup each time. So I'm hoping that it helps me feel better to get a little extra protein. However, I did eat the 2 string cheeses without any problems, i had to chew it carefully and to mush but it landed well! Yesterday while getting in and out of car I felt little stings or tugs inside that were painful so I gather it was the inside of my incisions healing and tightening today I didn't feel it. I spent a lot of time with Travis and I did okay, I get tired faster cause I can't hold him the way it's comfortable cause I don't want him to kick my tummy but I got to babysit him and I am happy about that cause I miss him and I leave next week I won't be able to see him for 2 weeks. I can't wait in 1 week I leave for NY, at this time next week I will be on plane. I just hope my dr. releases me to eat more foods cause I miss eating something besides liquids. Right now the only thing I have to chew is cottage cheese and string cheese and come on how much chewing is involved in eating that. I can't wait to see how much I lost next week! My stomach is going down, my incisions are closed and look like they are healing well. the only one that still has the tape is the largest of the 6 incisions I guess since it's larger it takes longer to heal. but no problem it's only pinching me a little bit sometimes. I just want my left side to strengthen up so that I can sleep. The past week I haven't been able to sleep cause my left side is uncomfortable. I'm not sleepy until late and then I couldn't sleep, I can't even nap, except today I napped for about 1/2 an hour. anyway off to bed, gonna try and sleep. tomorrow is melina's first lamaze class and I'm gonna try and go with her. hopefully I will feel okay to do it but anyway it's at the hospital so if I don't feel okay I'm in the right place. Right now the only time I feel odd is when my blood sugar drops and I need to eat, so I just have to avoid that. good night That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 27, 2008 I'M A LOSER, Finally!

Good morning all, well it's been 4 days now it hasn't been a picnic far from it, i had a rough couple of days but today is the Lord's day and I am so grateful to be alive I can't complain. Today is day 4 and I'm doing pretty well. i had a hard time sleeping cause I can't quite find my spot but i managed to get some sleep and I will survive with my naps. Today I woke up with less discomfort and I changed into one of my snazzy nightgowns (thanks Sharon)cleaned my room a little and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude cause I know that will help me feel better. so far today my menu has consisted of van. pudding, chamo tea and water. I decided i am not overdoing it because yesterday i started with jello tea and water and felt pretty good but in the afternoon i had isopure, water, jello and homemade chicken broth and it ruined my afternoon and night. i had to literally lay down from about 3:00 until this morning in order to try and relieve the discomfort, and maybe sleep through it. today I woke up with no discomfort but now have a little from the moving around and eating but put on a heating pad and should be feeling better soon. I know everyday will be better so that's all I can do is hope for the next day. let me tell all of you something particular, i don't know if you remember that I mentioned I get panic attacks. when i went in for my endoscopy but in december I had one when the nurse was going to put the mask on me. so i told my surgeon that i needed something to help me calm down before everything started. well they called me back to the preop area and started with the talking, iv's prep, shots etc. and I was pretty good. my stomach was nervous but also still having noisy issues from that wonderful prep stuff. anyway, when they said lets go and i got up to walk to OR, i said goodbye to my kids and walked straight back there walked in and waved hello to everyone inside! laid my butt down, the anesth guy said here we go and then I was awake in recovery. GOD IS SO GOOD, if you don't know it, you should find out! I woke up in recovery again no anxiety, no crying. I was relieved it was over. and it only took exactly 2 hours, actually a little less. anyway i just wanted to mention this because I am a worrier, i need everything written and drawn out for me before I do anything, and I was preparing for anxiety, I thought this is gonna freak me out and I'm gonna pass out before they come near me. BUT God covered me, the love and support of everyone covered me and I didn't freak out. I surprised my own self. I haven't been on my pc since Tuesday, my posts have been through my blackberry but today I felt well enough to get on here and post something substantive to let anyone who is waiting to do this know what happened to me. Is it painful, duh! yes! even with drugs. scarey? sure it's major major surgery even if all you see are tiny little bandaids. all you want is to sleep and i can't even count how many nurses and shots i went through. the scariest part was the vomiting of the yucky stuff, scarey cause I thought oh Lord if this continues they have to go back in and check, I will be 1 of the few who has problems. NO! I refuse. i am gonna be okay, once the nurse checked the blood and told me it's old don't worry i said okay. good to go. of course when you are doing an exorcist all over yourself it's hard to believe that it's gonna be okay but what else can we do but have faith in the people who are caring for you. Let me tell you something else, for all the "bad press" Kaiser HMO gets, I got nothing but 100% care. from the moment I checked into admitting from the moment the guy put me in the car. they were nothing but caring and sweet to me. I would suggest though that the perfume on the nurses be toned down, that was killing me!!!! I wish I could tell somebody that part. they'll probably send me a survey, I hope. anyway. if you are waiting. keep pushing for yourself. the past 4 days have been a learning curve, I have had it in my mind "what was I thinking" all this to lose weight?? for heavens sake. no way I am having PS, I don't care I won't put myself through it again unless the extra skin is a problem for my movement or sanity, or health. For now, I am done. I am sticking to my diet to the letter, walking my butt as much as I can but not gonna stress about anything. I will do what I am supposed to do, ask questions when I'm not sure and continue my journey as a loser the best way I have been taught. BTW for all my fretting I was 8 lbs under goal on surgery day. what a relief!! but I wasn't even worried about it cause I knew I was down enough. That's All For Now! Be Blessed In all Your Steps Judy

JULY 22, 2008 - TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY

JULY 22, 2008 - Well it's here. Tomorrow is the big day. Today is pretty sucky cause I am not feeling well and in a little bit I will have to take the cleansing stuff and I'm not looking forward to that part. It's been a long time coming but I guess not as long as it has been for some. For me it's been 9 months since the referral was submitted to surgery day. I still can't believe it's tomorrow already, WOW. It seemed like forever when Nancy called and told me July 23rd, that was 5 weeks ago and now it's here. I am going to take the cleaner in about an hour or so. just want to get it over with. I am not in the writing mood. maybe tonight, if not then I will come on and write when I get back from hospital. That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 15, 2008 - 8 DAYS TO GO

JULY 15, 2008 -"hello" well just about a week to go. I feel so yuck today. Woke up with headache, neckache, and my entire body hurting, i think that is because of walking yesterday and to top it off my stomach is still iffy from yesterday. I really don't feel good but i'm not going to claim that because I positively cannot get sick now. I lost another pound 229 now. So I am now 7 lbs under surgeon goal and hopefully safe from the difference in scales. Maybe I am hungry that's why I feel crappy, worn out. So Mellie has decided to come stay with me instead of me staying with her, so that's cool I sorta kinda wanted to be in my own chair, room, bed. But I also kinda wanted the peace at her house. It's lunch time now I'm just going to have some soup, which probably won't help my lack of energy but on top of everything else I do not have money for eating anything else, so that's all I can do. My head is hurting too, I can't take sinus meds cause they knock me out and I hate that feeling. Other than not feeling good, I'm doing okay. Looking forward to surgery, don't feel nervous right now.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 14, 2008 - 9 DAYS TO GO!!

JULY 14, 2008 - Single digits days to go - 9!!!! *HELLO* Well it's finally here, the week where I can say I am having surgery NEXT WEEK! It's been a long road but not especially hard. I've been on no carb/low carb for the past two weeks and that hasn't been wonderful but it's been manageable especially since I know it's short term. So as of today I am at 230!!! I haven't seen that in ages. and it's the first time I see it while I've been losing. I am now down -32 since October when my PCP did the referral for me. It took me this long because I wasn't working on it 100% as hard as I should have, I took my time losing the weight and really didn't put a rush on it until February when I joined Nutrisystem and then continued dieting after that. This is my last week of work and I'm glad about that too. This week I am having the Atkins shakes for breakfast, then protein at break and then simple lunches and dinners. Lots of water and tea too so I can keep dropping water :) So all is well and here we go, countdown now.

The day is almost over and I am soooo glad. I am exhausted. and I'm hungry. don't know why I ate, not a whole lot but I had the atkins shake for breakfast. then turkey and cheese for break, then some chicken, steak and salad for lunch. I just had a boiled egg at 3:00 cause I am hungry. No clue why, only thing could be cause I didn't start the day with protein and fill up, so now i'm starving. well all i can hope is that it helps me lose weight.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 13, 2008 - 10 DAYS TO GO!

JULY 13, 2008 - *HELLO* So now I'm 10 days away from a new start in my life. I really don't know how to feel or what to think. It's like unreal, i can't explain it, all I know is that I don't have a clue what is happening. Like I know i'm having surgery but I can't get around the fact that I'm having surgery. So Friday was my pre-op, I was 4 lbs under weight and that is just great. I had an ekg done, and saw the doctor. She was very happy that I had lost 30 lbs. and we discussed the entire surgery day from start to finish. I will be her first surgery of the day so I have to be there at 6:30a.m., she said if all is on schedule I should be in surgery by 7:30. it takes about 2-3 hrs. and then I go to recovery and then about 5 hours later I need to get up and walk. I should be discharged the next day by 6:00 p.m. I will be sent home on a Stage II diet which is the soft stuff. On the 21st I have to get my lab work done, which works out because I am going with mellie to hospital to get her lab work done, her ultrasound done and her OB appt.

On Tuesday 22nd, I am stuck at home, soft food liquid diet and then the "cleansing" Surgery day I have to be there at 6:30 a.m. whew that is early but I'm glad I didn't want to sit around house waiting to go to hospital. if all goes the way the good lord intends I will be in my room by Noon! This is my last week at work and I am soooo thrilled about that. It's the first time since 1991 that I am off more than 1 week, even when I had knee surgery I was only off 1 week. and in 1994 when steve laid me off I was only off 3 weeks before I started my new job. so pretty much I've worked non stop since 1991. I need a break for sure.

So I emailed my BFF Ivonne about my trip to NYC and she just emailed that she is crazy excited and that she is getting married on Aug. 8th. I emailed her back to see what's up maybe I can be there. Will have to talk to Jean and see if she can take me. Jean and excited to see me and I am double excited to see her too. This all is a blessing for sure. Jean is sicky with shingles (adult chicken pox) but she should be better by the time I get there.

So today i weighed myself and I am up 2 lbs. go figure, this week down to the nitty gritty, lower calories/carbs and a little extra walking cause I don't have much time and I have to stay under weight. I kinda packed my hospital bag and I also put stuff in there to go stay at mellies for a couple of days. then when I come back from Mellies I have to pack for my trip, exercise everyday, eat right, take vitamins and start my routine of learning how to eat. I just started taking my iron pills, finally, new calcium and new multivitamin pills and they sure make me feel full. I am good to go. just waiting and counting the days. I may take a walk a little later with suzie (my furball) hopefully the weather will cool down.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 10, 2008 - 13 DAYS TO GO!

JULY 10, 2008 - *HELLO* So it's so close now, 13 days. I hope they fly by. I haven't had much to report so that's why it's been a few days since I've been on. I am now in my 2nd week of low carb/no carb. doing okay, yesterday I was hungry for some reason. So before bed I had special K cereal w/soy milk and some cheese and turkey. health stuff. Today I'm hungry again! maybe my system is tired of being on a diet. who knows. well it really is not alot of food so I guess my tummy is mad at me. 13 days to go and I will be at Kaiser having my surgery. I am still a little nervous but ready for this to be over. I organized my foods yesterday and I have to pack some separate to take to Melina's for my little stay. So I was an Angel again this time for Amy, she's done and home now. I am so relieved and happy for her. I am next, then Tresha and Katey on the same day isn't that cool. We had 2 new people join the group yesterday and there is one that I am trying to help speed up her process by transferring from SSF to Fremont, Fremont has a way better program as far and time lines and not having to take those classes. Someone else just emailed me on OH.com and she is also Kaiser Fremont, so that is very cool. I've learned so much these 9 months that I am more than happy to help anyone else.

So It looks like I may be going to NYC for part of my recovery and I am so thrilled. Jean is still not feeling well so hopefully we can keep each other company for a little bit. my post op is on 8/7/08 so I can go anytime after that as long as I can come back by 8/22. so at least I have weekend to rest and get ready for work on the 25th. I am excited to go I love visiting her, I enjoyed myself, I don't know how I am going to feel since it's 2 weeks after surgery but so far everyone else feels okay pretty soon so I'm hoping it goes as well for me. I hope this time we get to see some sites, or go to beach and relax. I don't think I can get in the pool cause of the incisions but I can put my feet in! Maybe I can go see tia in Bklyn but not sure depends on time and how Jean feels. I will have to take some of my foods/snacks with me so I have something to eat on plane and over there since this time no pizza or pasteles :(~

I'd like to visit the city but back where I used to live on 125. so we'll see how that goes. and of course, I want to see Ivonne but since this trip is on Jean's dime it will be up to her what we do. and I don't think I can be going crazy traveling the city so soon ater surgery. we'll see.

I know that my life as I know it will change in 13 days. tomorrow is my pre-op appt. I got my period yesterday so I'm praying it doesn't affect my weight loss too much, especially with that scale at Kaiser being off. I have some cramps so I know theres a little stall going on inside so I been drinking my water of course and had some regular green tea to help as a diuretic. let's see if it helps. All in all it's going good. I haven't been walking as I should but I am so tired, I will walk this evening cause I have to leave work and go to post office before I hop on bart. tonight might walk again cause if mom is complaining I will take suzie out. so we'll see.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 4th, 2008/ P.M. - 19 DAYS TO GO

JULY 4, 2008 - Okay, yesterday it hit me, hit me but didn't sink in until right now when Pat (from my yahoo support group) said you'll be eating so little it won't be hard to do... After I got that email I went for my walk, I take my furball so she keeps me company. I am walking her and thinking I'm not in the mood to walk, but I have to, no choice. I am standing on the corner waiting for my daughter to drop off some eggs, meat and cheese so I have something to eat today (shopping day tomorrow). Okay so back to my sorrow. so yesterday I went to lunch with some of my staff, originally I wanted to eat at this place that I knew had salad and a nice chunk of salmon. anyway the folks decided they wanted to do Pizza kitchen okay so I didn't care cause i just wanted to eat where they serve salad and meat!!! As I mentioned they sell pizza there, thats their specialty, I don't know if they are all over USA but for those of you who do not know it's about the pizza. pizza with all stuff on top.. so i order salad and salmon, w avocado. they proceed to order spring rolls, 2 pizzas, chinese food, and to end it RED Velvet cake!!!! all of the food shows up at the same time and i of course dig in to my salad, it was huge i was starved.

here it comes, they offer me pizza, just a little I decline tell them I can't have breads (by the way against some of the wishes of the folks i made them decline the table bread!!!) they did me that favor! Suddenly I looked at the pizza and I felt it, I was emotional and I was feeling the loss of the food on the table (I'm tearing up this second). I said I'm never gonna eat like I want again. and I know yes I can have pizza, it's not the same, you all know what I mean. I'll never have pizza with gusto, I'll never have ham & cheese from the deli on warm fresh bread, fluffy soft bread, I'll never have white rice that is a full cup of rice. even the dang salad I ate at Pizza Kitchen is too large for me ever to consume the whole plate again. I KNOW I KNOW that's the point, thats what got me here.

I sat ate my entire salad and while I was eating i was just going through my mind "what am I doing? what was I thinking?" anyway we're done we go back to work. I don't think about it again, except now when I was standing at the corner with doggie, thinking about having to walk after surgery, I started thinking about it, it hit me again. The wave of emotion that my "real" eating days are over. I don't use food for emotional eating, that's not it, but when I eat something special if I wait and wait and put aside some $ to go eat out I enjoy the meal. of course I thought when I get back I have to write to my group cause I'm sure all of them have gone through this.

It was like when i was talking about being small, going under 146 lbs. and it being scarey to me. I've never been that thin except for that 1 time when I did WW before in 1990. I have pics when I was 9 yrs old I am already heavy. so the thought of being small and staying that way instead of immediately gaining it back is scarey.

anyway sorry this is way too, too long, i'm not sad or anything, i don't let things get to me, i think about it and then let it go, I think I'm thinking about it more now cause it's getting close. only 2 full weeks to go, and I can't even go out and enjoy a good meal because I'm scared to death to gain weight. i was laying in bed this a.m. thinking about the surgery and what I was about to do. the entire process, the morning the trip the waiting for surgery, the recovery, etc. okay so i am gonna just continue breathing deep.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 4th, 2008 - 19 DAYS TO GO

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!! GREAT DAY I HAVE IT OFF. The best thing is that I lost 2 pounds this week and I hit the -30 pounds lost today. WOOHOOOOOO. the no carb/low carb worked, gave me a drop not a whole lot but great. not doing much today just chilling at home, didn't sleep much. I am gonna weigh myself again on Sunday, because I started the new diet on Saturday, so I'm gonna weigh after 1 full week. So nothing much happened this week, started my new diet, did alot more walking. I am prayerful about my surgery and recovery. It looks like I won't be going to NEW YORK and I'm pretty devastated about it, I really needed that trip for me and for my sis. She is having such a hard time and I wanted to be there in person to help her out, take her to church and just be there to hang out and talk. She can't afford it and I definitely cannot afford food, let alone a plane ticket. So I will be home for a month and I'm not looking forward to it, the only thing that would help would be if at least I got to spend some time with Travis but the kids are being a little selfish with him, so who knows. Joshua has insisted that I am obssessed with my very 1st grandchild, his son, and tries to keep him away from me, something that is tearing my heart apart. But Travis is his son and I can't do anything about it. I am grateful though that mellie is having a baby and I know she won't be that way with me.

Well, I couldn't sleep for some reason, went to bed at 1:00 a.m. and of course woke up several times for the br visits. Was thinking about the time when I saw daylight and then my alarm went off, I couldn't figure out what was happening then I realized it was Friday! duh! got up at 7 when I couldn't fall back asleep. and here I am! blogging! already hit myspace, obesityhelp and emailed happy 4th's to everyone. Next stop group email lots of them waiting there. I love that group. Sometimes it gets intense and some folks get to bossy that's why some people have left and gone to the other group, but for the most part, most of the people are wonderful, sweet loving women (not many men, got to catty for them) who care and just want the best for all of us. I was Maria's angel when she had her surgery last week and I just love her attitude. I think though that my new "assignment" Amy is the most wonderful person I've met, she is such a sweet person. I wish she lived closer because I can feel we'd be friends, what endeared her to me was when she was upset and called me, I felt so honored, then she called me yesterday to chat and that was so sweet. she has 4 kids and they are beautiful so cute! anyway her surgery is Tuesday, I'm her Angel and I can't wait for her to get to the other side.

So we'll see how the rest of the day goes. I'm about to have my 'breakfast' cottage cheese and yogurt, cause I haven't gotten to the supermarket so I don't have anything here that is 'safe' for me. gonna have to eat a hotdog for lunch, maybe some chili, if I get to market later then I'll be loading up on my proteins for the week. Oh, my vitamins, my protein powders already shipped out!

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy

JULY 2, 2008 - 21 DAYS TO GO

July 2, 2008 - *HELLO* WOW, 3 weeks to the day. I can't believe it, 2 weeks ago I was thinking ugh 5 weeks away I can't stand it. But now 2 weeks have gone by and I have 3 weeks to go. I haven't posted in a few days because I didn't have much to tell. Last Friday night I decided to go no carb/low carb to get my diet boosted. Sundays will be my add a little carb day. so far I've been sticking too it, eating alot of protein, of course my fat has also increased but for now it's ok since I've gone from 24%-49% carb in my diet to now doing 18%-24% carb, big difference, so I expect it should help me drop some pounds. Either that or I don't know what I am going to do to get some more pounds off, short of not eating or doing total liquids. So I also got my post op appt, I will be meeting with Dr. Hahn instead of my surgeon because my surgeon is booked the week my 2 week post op is due. not a problem! so we're all set, pre-op on July 11th, surgery July 23rd and post op Aug. 7.

Still don't know if I'm heading to NY, doesn't look like it. I wanted desperately to recover and enjoy some peace away from home but it's ok. Not looking forward to an entire month sitting in my room, except for some walks :( I also wanted to chill with Jean. probably sit on the beach and read, watch the water. maybe next summer can go and do that. I'm feeling okay, alot less hungry since I'm eating proteins/fat instead of carbs. it's not too bad. a little bland but I eat bland anyway. the weekend up until Monday was horrible, my stomach was pissed off at the high protein/fat change and it revolted, literally. I feel better now. I have to eat protein but the good proteins, not greasy, saucy stuff which I don't eat anyway but have to watch it cause my stomach hates that stuff. Well I bit the bullet and spent money I don't have but I HAVE TO get my post surgery stuff, theres no choice or I am going to starve! So I ordered all my vitamins and found a great website where I buy 1 bottle and get 2 free, so I mainly got 3 bottles of each thing for less than 10.00 and then I went to vitalady.com and bought some protein powder samples. Then I went and ordered my medicalert bracelet. I was going to wait until August but I want to have it as soon as I walk out hospital just in case something should happen, you never know. I am blessed but lots of folks behind the wheels of cars aren't as fortunate, and act stupid on the road. so all 3 orders was about 100.00 which is bad for me but I needed the stuff, I actually didn't buy near enough protein stuff but with what Pat and Debby gave me and what I ordered I should be okay for a bit. 1 sample is good for 8 oz serving which carries 25-50 grams of protein. oh and josh gave me these huge jar he got from Frankie, so that should help I hope I like it. I am ready, nervous, excited, still having the "what am I thinking" moments but nope no turning back I am ready to go. tired of the weight/wait and just want to get the surgery over and go forward. I know I will be freaking out before they knock me out in the OR, that's just me regardless of what I'm having done. I get anxiety with IV's, needles, masks on my face, i will just say thank God and keep me safe and away I go. The memo for Catastrophic Leave donations went out to DOT and I emailed it to some of my buddies in DIR, so far I know DG is giving me a day and Tina is giving me a week, God bless them both. So that covered 6 days and I need 19 more. All I can do is pray that folks help me. if not I am SOL and I don't know what I will do obviously I can't afford to get docked. so this is a little stressful for me but I'm not gonna worry about it right now. So somehow I need to hit a thrift store or Ross and get some "temporary clothes" I am wearing those awful brown pants and they are so big on me it's not funny. I knew they were baggy but today they are way too baggy thats it. they slip down my butt when I walk and they are so baggy people must wonder what is up. I only need like 1 pair of pants for work and then a couple of jogging pants loose but with a tie so I can adjust. So anyway it's almost lunch, gotta eat meat! no carb. so probably hot dog or something, I ate 2 hot dogs yesterday threw out the bun. no biggie. i was hungry until about 3:30 and then I ate an egg. got home had chicken with some melted cheese and sour cream on top and that was it. good enough. I did 28 carbs, and only because in the night I had some real fruit, and that was 10 carbs so it jumped from 18 to 28 :( but still better than something like 175!!!! 11:50 a.m. Margaret Stark-Roberts an attorney here just came to me and told me she is sorry to hear I will be out with surgery and that she hopes all goes well and that she is donating some time for me. I almost cried, it touched my heart that she would do that. I guess I do treat her right, I hope I do. I try hard to be good to everyone in the office. I am truly blessed. so lunch time now. maybe I come back later we'll see. BY THE WAY I'M POSTING 2 PICS, the first one is back in August 2007 and the 2nd (green top/jeans) is yesterday. I can't see a loss (-26 lbs) but I hope someone does!

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy