Thursday, July 23, 2009
1 YR Post Op Surgiversary Today -101 lbs.
1 yr ago today I went into surgery thinking this is it, big drastic step. Hours later when I threw up blood (did it several times) I thought oh what have I done to myself? Between those episodes and the pain and the terror that something had gone wrong and I had to go back to surgery I regretted having surgery for that moment. By the time I got home, safe and sound I felt better about my decision. It's been a hard year, ups and downs, last 5 months have been hard because I've been sick for most of this time but now that gb is out, and my pain has calmed down I feel better. I'm still having pain issues but I am now under the care of a spine specialist to see if he can find out whats up. It's been a year of learning new things, making new friends, and every day is a new day a new battle. this is not easy, I didn't think it would be but it is harder than I expected. Although we do this to not ever diet again, we basically are on a permanent "diet". we still have to watch what we eat, when we eat, how we eat and why we eat! But I must say I can eat most things, except alot of sweets. I can however, have a little bit of sweetness like a mini bite of candy, a piece of cake w/lil frosting, just basically a bite but it's enough so I don't feel deprived and it doesn't hurt my "diet" Carbs are still a problem, I have to watch them carefully or my sugar shoots up and drops and I get the shakes and feel crappy. Sometimes it's pretty much a hit and miss situation. Some things make no sense, like how come I can eat eggs but in some forms it can make me feel crappy and down right disgusted. Some foods I eat 2 bites and I feel like I'm going to explode, other foods I can eat quite a big amount. Like I said a learning curve each time. This week someone told me I was so skinny I was going to disappear NOT! I am far from skinny, I am however skinnier than I was. Someone else asked me if I was mentally through the hurdle, I told her no. some days I see myself the same, fat, others I look and say wow I look thin. on the bad days I swear I can see an extra pound on me and I feel heavy like I gained 20 lbs. other days I feel small and feel proud. Don't get me wrong I was given a blessing, I was referred, approved and had surgery all within 9 months, it was pretty easy for me to get to surgery day and for that I am truly thankful. I am thankful every day that I got this surgery, but somedays it's so hard I don't know if I can make it. I am terrified of gaining weight again, but yet when I want that piece of candy I just want it, weight be damned. Do I eat a whole candy bar nope, can't wouldn't won't but do I want it, yes of course. I eat 1 slice of pizza, but I want 3 more, I can't so obviously I don't but my mind is stuck there and I swear I think about it for the rest of the day until someone else eats it and it's gone out of my sight. Like they say the surgery was on my tummy not my brain. I have my before/after pic here at work on my wall so that I can remember and make better choices. It's hard, it's sad sometimes, it's painful sometimes but getting past each hurdle is so worth it. I still have 16 lbs to "my" goal weight, but at 161 my surgeon considers me a success. I am down 101 lbs since I began the program, I've gone from a size 24 to wearing a size 8 jean (my daughters) my 2 girlfriends at work say I am gonna get thinner than they are and want to kill me (with love). so it's all good, the good and the bad days, the ups and downs. it's all a blessing to be thankful for, even when I feel like a failure (and yes I still have those days too). I am proud that I am here that I've come this far, that this year has taught me alot, has given me a new goal, given me new friends and the chance for a new life. I guess now that I made my year, I'm almost at goal, my new life begins in earnest. still looking towards what is to become and what I am going to do with this tool. THANK YOU to my wls family, my sisters and brothers in this fight we share in common. Without all of you I could not have made it through this journey. Extra thank you to Debby, my angel, I appreciate your friendship. Take care :) That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy