JULY 27, 2008 I'M A LOSER, Finally!

Good morning all, well it's been 4 days now it hasn't been a picnic far from it, i had a rough couple of days but today is the Lord's day and I am so grateful to be alive I can't complain. Today is day 4 and I'm doing pretty well. i had a hard time sleeping cause I can't quite find my spot but i managed to get some sleep and I will survive with my naps. Today I woke up with less discomfort and I changed into one of my snazzy nightgowns (thanks Sharon)cleaned my room a little and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude cause I know that will help me feel better. so far today my menu has consisted of van. pudding, chamo tea and water. I decided i am not overdoing it because yesterday i started with jello tea and water and felt pretty good but in the afternoon i had isopure, water, jello and homemade chicken broth and it ruined my afternoon and night. i had to literally lay down from about 3:00 until this morning in order to try and relieve the discomfort, and maybe sleep through it. today I woke up with no discomfort but now have a little from the moving around and eating but put on a heating pad and should be feeling better soon. I know everyday will be better so that's all I can do is hope for the next day. let me tell all of you something particular, i don't know if you remember that I mentioned I get panic attacks. when i went in for my endoscopy but in december I had one when the nurse was going to put the mask on me. so i told my surgeon that i needed something to help me calm down before everything started. well they called me back to the preop area and started with the talking, iv's prep, shots etc. and I was pretty good. my stomach was nervous but also still having noisy issues from that wonderful prep stuff. anyway, when they said lets go and i got up to walk to OR, i said goodbye to my kids and walked straight back there walked in and waved hello to everyone inside! laid my butt down, the anesth guy said here we go and then I was awake in recovery. GOD IS SO GOOD, if you don't know it, you should find out! I woke up in recovery again no anxiety, no crying. I was relieved it was over. and it only took exactly 2 hours, actually a little less. anyway i just wanted to mention this because I am a worrier, i need everything written and drawn out for me before I do anything, and I was preparing for anxiety, I thought this is gonna freak me out and I'm gonna pass out before they come near me. BUT God covered me, the love and support of everyone covered me and I didn't freak out. I surprised my own self. I haven't been on my pc since Tuesday, my posts have been through my blackberry but today I felt well enough to get on here and post something substantive to let anyone who is waiting to do this know what happened to me. Is it painful, duh! yes! even with drugs. scarey? sure it's major major surgery even if all you see are tiny little bandaids. all you want is to sleep and i can't even count how many nurses and shots i went through. the scariest part was the vomiting of the yucky stuff, scarey cause I thought oh Lord if this continues they have to go back in and check, I will be 1 of the few who has problems. NO! I refuse. i am gonna be okay, once the nurse checked the blood and told me it's old don't worry i said okay. good to go. of course when you are doing an exorcist all over yourself it's hard to believe that it's gonna be okay but what else can we do but have faith in the people who are caring for you. Let me tell you something else, for all the "bad press" Kaiser HMO gets, I got nothing but 100% care. from the moment I checked into admitting from the moment the guy put me in the car. they were nothing but caring and sweet to me. I would suggest though that the perfume on the nurses be toned down, that was killing me!!!! I wish I could tell somebody that part. they'll probably send me a survey, I hope. anyway. if you are waiting. keep pushing for yourself. the past 4 days have been a learning curve, I have had it in my mind "what was I thinking" all this to lose weight?? for heavens sake. no way I am having PS, I don't care I won't put myself through it again unless the extra skin is a problem for my movement or sanity, or health. For now, I am done. I am sticking to my diet to the letter, walking my butt as much as I can but not gonna stress about anything. I will do what I am supposed to do, ask questions when I'm not sure and continue my journey as a loser the best way I have been taught. BTW for all my fretting I was 8 lbs under goal on surgery day. what a relief!! but I wasn't even worried about it cause I knew I was down enough. That's All For Now! Be Blessed In all Your Steps Judy