JULY 4th, 2008/ P.M. - 19 DAYS TO GO

JULY 4, 2008 - Okay, yesterday it hit me, hit me but didn't sink in until right now when Pat (from my yahoo support group) said you'll be eating so little it won't be hard to do... After I got that email I went for my walk, I take my furball so she keeps me company. I am walking her and thinking I'm not in the mood to walk, but I have to, no choice. I am standing on the corner waiting for my daughter to drop off some eggs, meat and cheese so I have something to eat today (shopping day tomorrow). Okay so back to my sorrow. so yesterday I went to lunch with some of my staff, originally I wanted to eat at this place that I knew had salad and a nice chunk of salmon. anyway the folks decided they wanted to do Pizza kitchen okay so I didn't care cause i just wanted to eat where they serve salad and meat!!! As I mentioned they sell pizza there, thats their specialty, I don't know if they are all over USA but for those of you who do not know it's about the pizza. pizza with all stuff on top.. so i order salad and salmon, w avocado. they proceed to order spring rolls, 2 pizzas, chinese food, and to end it RED Velvet cake!!!! all of the food shows up at the same time and i of course dig in to my salad, it was huge i was starved.

here it comes, they offer me pizza, just a little I decline tell them I can't have breads (by the way against some of the wishes of the folks i made them decline the table bread!!!) they did me that favor! Suddenly I looked at the pizza and I felt it, I was emotional and I was feeling the loss of the food on the table (I'm tearing up this second). I said I'm never gonna eat like I want again. and I know yes I can have pizza, it's not the same, you all know what I mean. I'll never have pizza with gusto, I'll never have ham & cheese from the deli on warm fresh bread, fluffy soft bread, I'll never have white rice that is a full cup of rice. even the dang salad I ate at Pizza Kitchen is too large for me ever to consume the whole plate again. I KNOW I KNOW that's the point, thats what got me here.

I sat ate my entire salad and while I was eating i was just going through my mind "what am I doing? what was I thinking?" anyway we're done we go back to work. I don't think about it again, except now when I was standing at the corner with doggie, thinking about having to walk after surgery, I started thinking about it, it hit me again. The wave of emotion that my "real" eating days are over. I don't use food for emotional eating, that's not it, but when I eat something special if I wait and wait and put aside some $ to go eat out I enjoy the meal. of course I thought when I get back I have to write to my group cause I'm sure all of them have gone through this.

It was like when i was talking about being small, going under 146 lbs. and it being scarey to me. I've never been that thin except for that 1 time when I did WW before in 1990. I have pics when I was 9 yrs old I am already heavy. so the thought of being small and staying that way instead of immediately gaining it back is scarey.

anyway sorry this is way too, too long, i'm not sad or anything, i don't let things get to me, i think about it and then let it go, I think I'm thinking about it more now cause it's getting close. only 2 full weeks to go, and I can't even go out and enjoy a good meal because I'm scared to death to gain weight. i was laying in bed this a.m. thinking about the surgery and what I was about to do. the entire process, the morning the trip the waiting for surgery, the recovery, etc. okay so i am gonna just continue breathing deep.

That's All For Now - Be Blessed In All Your Steps! Stay Strong! Judy